Edith Exploits a Lonely Guy
by liamdude5
Summary: It's Christmas Eve, and Edith promised to bring home her boyfriend. The only problem is that she has no boyfriend. But, could a random stranger be her Christmas angel? Rated PG 13 for language and mild refrences, including drug and sexual.
1. The Beginning

If you were to imagine the last place you'd be on Christmas Eve, it'd probably be an airport bar.

But, that's where Edith Gru was right now. She was sitting at an airport bar, waiting as long as she could before she had to go home.

She didn't want to go home because she promised her adoptive parents that she'd bring her boyfriend home for Christmas. The only problem was that she was actually single.

The lie had come during Agnes' wedding to her long time beau, Alex Watson. By then, Margo had already been married to Antonio.

Lucy had started asking if Edith had anybody in her life and Margo started teasing that Edith would be the last one in the family to get married.

So, Edith told everyone that she was dating a healthcare assistant from California.

She had no idea why she would say something like that. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

After a lot of pressure from Gru and Lucy, she eventually gave in and agreed to bring home her boyfriend, Barry, for Christmas.

Edith had tried asking some of her friends her parents didn't know to pretend to be her boyfriend for the holidays, but they all had other plans.

This meant that Edith was screwed. And now she would have no choice but to go on blind dates arranged by her sisters.

So, that's why Edith was drinking alone at an airport bar on Christmas Eve.

But, little did Edith know that a random stranger would be her salvation.

More specifically, the random stranger who just sat at the stool next to her.

"Excuse me," the stranger asked, "Are you alright?"

"Oh," Edith gasped, "Yeah, sure, I'm fine."

"Are you sure," the stranger asked, "Because, if something is wrong, I'd like to help."

"It's nothing anyone can help me with," Edith complained.

"Do you want to talk about it," the stranger asked, "Maybe it will help."

"I don't even know who you are," Edith growled.

"You're right," the stranger realized, "I'm sorry. I just can't stand seeing anyone sad. I want to help as many people as I can."

The two of them started drinking again, until Edith opened up.

"If you must know what's wrong," Edith gave in, "My family is going to kill me because I don't have a boyfriend."

"That seems a bit harsh," the stranger mused.

"Well," Edith confessed, "I actually told them I have a boyfriend."

"Now why would you do that," the stranger asked.

"Because my sisters are both married and have their lives all figured out," Edith blurted out, "And every relationship I've ever been in has fallen apart for one reason or another. And why am I telling all of this to a stranger?"

"Because you need to clean your conscience," the stranger acknowledged.

"What," Edith questioned.

"Your feeling guilty inside of your body," the stranger explained, "So, you have to spill your guts to anybody who will listen."

"I can't believe I'm getting karma lessons from a guy at a bar," Edith complained.

"My name is Jason," the stranger stated.

"Edith," Edith groaned, shaking Jason's hand.

"If it makes you feel any better," Jason stated, "My holiday's pretty sucky too."

"You," Edith asked, "Mr karma man? Why?"

"Let's just say I'm not spending Christmas Eve at a bar because I want too," Jason moaned, "At least you have a family to go home too."

"Disowned or dead," Edith asked.

"Dead," Jason explained, "It was just me and my parents, until they died in a mysterious accident."

"And you didn't have anyone else," Edith asked.

"Well," Jason thought, "There was my brother, but he went to jail for mysterious reasons that were never explained to me."

"Oh," Edith sympathized, "Well, I'm sorry, I guess."

"Gee, thanks," Jason deadpanned, "If only there was some sort of magical solution to both our problems."

Suddenly, Edith's eyes went wide with an idea.

"Will you be my pretend boyfriend," Edith asked.

"What," Jason questioned.

"You need somewhere to spend the holidays," Edith explained, "I need someone to spend the holidays with me, claiming they're my boyfriend. It's the perfect compromise."

"I don't know," Jason considered, "Pretending to be some stranger's boyfriend seems like bad karma and a generic sitcom plot."

"Would you rather spend Christmas here by yourself," Edith asked.

"Fair enough," Jason commented, "Do I have a backstory?"

"You're a healthcare assistant from California," Edith answered, "The rest, you can make your own."

"Can I be Jewish," Jason asked.

"What," Edith questioned.

"Can I be somebody who celebrates Hanukkah, but is compromising and celebrating Christmas for you," Jason asked.

"Sure," Edith stated, "That's fine."

"You bet it is," Jason cheered, "Finally, I can make all the jokes about Judaism I want."

Edith sighed. This was going to be a long Christmas dinner.


	2. Baggage Claim

A few minutes later, Edith and Jason were waiting at the baggage carousel for Edith's stuff.

"I'm telling you," Jason warned, "It's not gonna be here."

"And I'm telling you to shut up," Edith replied.

"You should've gotten your bags right after you got off the plane," Jason lectured, "Then you could've gone to the bar."

"I don't see you with any bags," Edith pointed out, "Why didn't you get your bags before going to the bar?"

"I did," Jason countered, "Then some guy stole them."

"Nice," Edith quipped.

"Can we stop at JcPenny's on the way to your parents' house," Jason asked.

"Why JcPenny's," Edith questioned.

"Some of us have money and like to show it off," Jason defended.

"Whatever," Edith groaned, "We'll stop wherever you want."

"If you think you'll be less pissy when you find your stuff," Jason hypothesized, "You won't be, because you won't find your stuff here."

"Yes I will," Edith snapped.

"No you won't," Jason snapped.

A few minutes later, Edith and Jason were waiting at a desk for someone to help them find Edith's lost luggage.

"I hate to say I told you so," Jason lectured, "So I won't."

"Shut up," Edith snapped, "And when are you people going to get my bag back?"

"We're working on it," a lady working on a computer behind the counter snapped.

"What exactly does that mean," Edith asked, "Are you even trying?"

The lady responded by leaving the area and getting a coffee from a store on the other side of the airport.

"Well," Jason thought out loud, guiding them to some nearby chairs, "We've clearly got a while. Why don't we pass the time by talking?"

"Because I am not really in the mood for your voice right now," Edith snapped.

"Come on," Jason argued, "If we're going to pretend to be a couple, doesn't it make sense for us to know a little about each other?"

"I guess that makes sense," Edith caved in, "What do you wanna know?"

"Well," Jason asked, "You seem a bit athletic. Do you play sports?"

"What gave you that idea," Edith questioned, "The tomboy haircut? The thick arm muscles? The fiery look in my eyes?"

"Yes," Jason responded, "Yes to all those things."

"Well," Edith replied, "I don't technically do a sport. It's more along the lines of ninjutsu."

"You mean karate classes or something like that," Jason asked.

"No," Edith snapped, "I mean ninjutsu."

"Oh," Jason stammered, "That's cool."

"I'm guessing you've never played a sport I'm your life," Edith guessed.

"Am I that obvious," Jason asked.

"Like a book," Edith brought up.

"I do like books," Jason breathed.

"Uh huh," Edith replied, "What else do you like? I'm guessing dicks."

"No," Jason snarled, "I'm actually into cars. I've always been fascinated by how they work. Honestly, my dream job is working as a mechanic."

"So why didn't you do that," Edith asked.

"Turns out I'm allergic to car exhaust," Jason answered, "That's why I drive an electric car."

"No surprise there," Edith whispered.

"What do you do," Jason asked, "I'm guessing your dream is to be a ninja assassin."

"It is, actually," Edith stated, "But, I had to settle for traffic cop."

"Why didn't you ever try working the CIA or something," Jason asked, "They're almost like ninja assassins."

"I thought about that," Edith stated, "But I honestly don't agree with the methods of torture they deem appropriate. If I worked with them, it'd be like me saying waterboarding is OK."

"Oh," Jason stuttered, "You feel pretty strong about that, don't you?"

"I'm sorry," Edith apologized, "Can we please just talk about something else? Maybe we could ask each other basic questions."

"Like what," Jason asked.

"I don't know," Edith replied, "What's your favorite food?"

"Easy," Jason answered, "Pizza. You?"

"I'm a fan of pizza too," Edith replied.

"Nice," Jason stated.

"See," Edith questioned, "This is nice."

"Yeah," Jason replied, "Now we can actually sit down, get to know each other, maybe even form..."

"Hey girlie," the lady from behind the counter earlier yelled, "We found your bag."

"Awesome," Edith growled, rushing to the desk.

"Is that your bag," Jason questioned, following Edith.

The girl behind the desk was holding a bag that has a monster truck painting along the side.

"What," Edith questioned, "Doesn't it just scream awesome?"

"It makes me want to scream and run away," Jason deadpanned, "I'll give it that."

"You clearly just have no eye for quality," Edith snapped.

"If I may interrupt the pleasantries," counter girl interrupted, "You owe us $100 for finding that bag."

"Excuse me," Edith growled, "You were the ones who lost it."

"Do you know how hard it was to find it," counter girl whined, "Good, lazy men had to actually leave their chairs."

"I don't care if the entire US Navy had to get off their asses," Edith growled, "I'm not..."

"This is going to be a long night," Jason thought to himself as the two women argued.


End file.
